Chapter fifty-one

Certainty

I was still sitting with my parents waiting for them to explain to me whatever they were whispering and arguing about. I tried to explain the weird relief that conquered my heart and the only explanation that I could come up with was that a small part of Christopher had returned when I found out that he really helped me and saved my life even if in some small and twisted way. Christopher was my safe haven; he was my shelter and sanctuary for a very long time; I used to think of him and long to hear his voice and feel his touch whenever I felt a bit unwell and discovering that this refugee of mine has been fake and out of order made me feel terrified and heartbroken but to find out that maybe it hasn’t been all fake; at least some small part of it was true and genuine made me feel kind of relieved. No, I should stop thinking this way, I cannot be weak, I cannot be fragile, I cannot allow my heart and my desires to trifle with my mind and plant seeds of forgiveness inside it.

“Abigail, we believe that Adrian or whatever his name is is the one who helped us escape from the Normans” my mother said, my father stood up and walked towards the window and looked out.

“What? You told me that he abducted you!”

“He did, he… We’re not really sure if…” my mother stopped talking as I believe she didn’t know what to say; it must be confusing. I joined my father and as soon as I arrived I could see that he was looking at Christopher who was visible from our window; luckily we were on a high floor so he couldn’t see us. I didn’t look for long as even looking at him hurt me. I walked away from the window and sat on my chair again and asked

“Father what is my mother talking about?”

“You’re mother is right, we have every reason to believe that Adrian was indeed that man in the mask now that you’ve told us about what happened with you” my father replied

“What mask?” I asked

“We were liberated by a masked man. When the group of Normans who abducted us first stopped to rest they sat under a tree and left us tied tightly to the horses. A masked man suddenly approached us and cut us loose and then disappeared. We were able to elude because he helped us and…”

“And what makes you think that that masked man is Adrian?” I asked and the feeling of my pronouncing that name was unfamiliar and painful

“Who else would it be? There was only us and that group of Normans in that field that day and knowing that he lied about finding you in the house and that he came back to you and saved you, I don’t know there must be some good in him I presume” my father replied

“Yes but… how did he get back to our house so fast? He came before you and before…”

“He must have taken a short cut; I don’t know maybe he had planned it well in his mind before actually applying it” my father said interrupting me.

I paused for a second to think and thinking got me to a very awful epiphany… I continued saying “If he covered for me and then set you free and after that came back for me then he knew that you were… why didn’t he bring me to you? Why didn’t he stay with you and lead you back to me?”

My parents were silent; I couldn’t stop or even hold back the rage that was growing inside me. The more I thought about it the more I grew more and more furious. I couldn’t conceive of the fact that Christopher actually drove me away and farther from my parents. I might have been few minutes away from them and he knew it but he still forced me, even worse convinced me to leave, run, and keep moving as quickly as I could and even quicker than I could manage. He lied to me, he didn’t only hide information but actually lied, he said that my parents were taken away and were not coming back anytime soon and that made me agree to leave, I wouldn’t have left if I knew that there was a slight possibility that my parents were to come back to me. I realized that Christopher didn’t help me, didn’t protect me; he abducted me just like he abducted my parents; with his lies he was able to sabotage our life and just play with it. Christopher is the reason behind the perpetual separation between me and my parents and that I can never ever forgive. Yes I cannot forgive him and I’m happy to finally make up my mind and be hundred percent sure that Christopher is to be expelled out of my mind, heart, and whole life.

I looked at my parents and they were still silent. I had to share them my thoughts

“Mother, father…” after a sigh I continued “Adrian; that awful man chained outside caused all what happened to us”

They looked at me and kept silent. I didn’t know what to say; there weren’t enough words to describe the wrath I was feeling but wrath wasn’t the only thing I felt; I was also regretful; I couldn’t stop thinking about what could have happened if I wasn’t so very weak and fragile; because I was that way I believed Christopher and went with him; I was too scared to follow my own heart and make up my own decisions. I wanted to go with him and just run away from my torn up and empty house; I deserve what happened to me, I’m such a weak, stupid, and pathetic person.

“I’m so sorry” I started, my parents looked at me immediately with inquisitive eyes, I continued “You don’t deserve such a… frail daughter, I have let you down in every possible way, I even let myself down; I was very thick when I needed to be witty, I was feeble when you needed me to be strong, I just gave up and I have cowardly run away from troubles instead of facing them bravely”

My parents kept silent and looking at me, my mother was crying and I hated that I was once again the cause behind her precious tears. My father approached me and hugged me tightly and whispered

“Don’t you ever say that again my child; I couldn’t hope for a better daughter; you are my life and your mother and I adore you and that can never ever change”

I placed my head on my father’s chest and started crying. It was such a brilliant feeling to be held by the only man on earth whom I truly loved and who was truly worthy of my love; my father.  

“Were you scared Abigail?” my father resumed the conversation as soon as my mother and I stopped crying. I could sense the sadness he felt for me in his voice.

“Scared?” I whispered, paused for a moment and then continued “I believe this word has lost its meaning to me… You see usually scared is the feeling that occurs every once in a while, in some certain circumstances but in my case it became a part of me, a part of my life, my unwanted companion that I forgot how it feels not to have it in my life, I forgot how one feels other than feeling afraid”

“I wish I can erase every single bad memory from your mind” my mother said in a sad voice

“You did mother, just by being here with me again” I replied in a relatively cheerful tone. I’ve been lucky; everyone I met so far had lost beloved friends in this ugly war but I hadn’t; I found my beloved family and was reunited with them and that should be enough and satisfying. I could say that I was just like everyone else and I did lose someone; but I couldn’t and didn’t want to as I refused to admit that Christopher had even once occupied a special space in my heart.

“So how did you marry him then?” My father asked and I started explaining

“It was needed; I had to marry him because I was… under his protection… we went to an occupied but peaceful village and he told me that I can’t be alone; the Normans would never let me be if I wasn’t married and without my family but it was fake; it was just to have legal papers that would shut the Normans away. I used a fake last name and he… everything about him was fake so we’re not really… nothing happened I swear… I mean… it was just… he never even…” I stopped talking as I felt my head boiling with shamefulness and embarrassment. My mother held my hand and sighed. My father stayed as he was.

“I guess he lied to me about that too; I shouldn’t have married him, I would have been safe enough with…”

“No he didn’t; he was right; they would have…” my father interrupted himself with a big sigh.

After a long while of silence my father suddenly walked towards the door of the room, opened it and ordered one of the soldiers in the hallway saying

“Get that man some food and water”