Chapter fifty-two

Intimacy

I’m a human and I hate humans; we are such weird and ungrateful creatures; I couldn’t wait to see my parents and be with them and now that I am things started to get normal again. I was flying with happiness at the beginning but now after few days have passed things are simply normal. I don’t spend every waking moment with them and they don’t with me. It’s just normal again as if we’ve never been away from each other; I used to imagine that I’ll be holding them all day long and just stay seated beside them, talking to them and listening to them. Why can’t I stay as happy and ecstatic as when I first saw them? Why can’t divine moments of perfect happiness last forever? Why do our feet rest back on the ground instead of flying high forever?

Another reason why I hated humans and especially myself was because I couldn’t sustain the same feeling for long. I was very happy to hate Christopher, really hate him and get rid of every positive feeling I had for him but I was so changeable; why can’t I feel something and reserve that feeling once and for all inside my heart and mind? Why do I have to be confused and disoriented all the time? My troubled mind and its instability were causing me a lot of pain and misery.

I was determined to ignore Christopher and even the sight of him but as usual my feeble strength failed me and I allowed my poor self to look at Christopher from the window. I was a bit relieved that I could see him only from the dining room’s window but not from my bedroom; I wasn’t sure I would be able to control myself and not spend every single moment I’m alone in my room looking at him.  

I started to miss the nightmares that I had before finding my parents; I actually prayed for having nightmares about Artus and enemies and war as the new nightmares that I was having were much, much worse. Christopher conquered every single night, he got the leading role in every single nightmare I had, and I had a lot of nightmares and that wasn’t pleasant. The most frequent nightmare that I had was of Christopher kidnapping my parents; I could see him entering their room, removing their covers harshly, and dragging them out of their beds, I could see their scared and helpless faces; I could hear my mother’s screams and my father’s useless attempts of protecting her and easing her pain. Then suddenly I was there; in the nightmare, the setting changes. I was hiding behind a tree and it was familiar; the tree, the place, and the event; it was the same tree that I hid from Artus behind, it was the same place and I was looking at the same horrifying scene only in the nightmare it was a much worse scene as it wasn’t Artus that I saw getting brutally killed by the hands of Christopher; it was my parents. Christopher was holding that same bloody rock in his hand and with it he hit my parents and killed them. I could see their blood splashing all around, and then Christopher with a bloody face looks at me and smiles a creepy smile as if he’s telling me “You’re next” and then the nightmare ends with me waking up and screaming and feeling the tears falling down on my cheeks.

I haven’t been sleeping well and with all the nightmares and the fear that they planted inside of me, my body was getting weaker and weaker every day.

My parents and I were having breakfast. I left the table and headed towards the window to continue with my inexcusable habit. I looked at Christopher and he was still there; nothing has changed at all. I kept looking for a while as if I was taking my daily dose of medication until suddenly he moved his head and looked up at my window; I gasped unconsciously and swiftly moved away from the window. I felt like a part of my frequent nightmare has turned into reality. That piercing look from Christopher’s eyes caused me some kind of a shiver and anxiety. I felt lightheaded and weak and suddenly fell on the ground. My father with the help of one of the men carried me and put me in my bed; the doctor examined me and I heard him telling my parents that I have a strong but not dangerous nor contagious fever and he can’t do anything to help me; all I needed was rest and good sleep but that wasn’t going to happen easily.

I was lying in my bed with my eyes closed; I felt as if I was a cookie being baked in the oven; my face was burning when suddenly a wet and cold piece of fabric touched my forehead and rested on it. I felt a brilliant feeling of relief. I opened my eyes and it wasn’t my mother as I had expected; it was Richard. I was a bit surprised and unsettled to find him there but I also felt a bit happy to see him so I didn’t really mind it on the contrary I was more relieved for his being there than disturbed

“How are you feeling?” he whispered

“Hot” I replied. He chuckled and took the wet piece of fabric, drowned it again in the bowl of icy water and put it back on my forehead.

“Does that help?”

“A lot, thank you Richard” I really meant it. “How did you know I was sick?”

“I’m used to seeing you in the garden at this time of day so I asked and your parents were kind enough to let me in here… and here I am”

“Thank you for coming”

“Are you kidding; it’s my pleasure” he sighed and kept silent for a moment then said “I missed you, you know; I haven’t really spent time with you ever since we got here”

I didn’t know what to say; I was surprised by what Richard told me; he missed me! He was very forward, maybe he wasn’t that forward but I just wasn’t used to having this kind of talks with him, plus, I sensed some intimacy in his tone and that worried me a little but it also somehow gave me a good and relaxing feeling. I didn’t reply, I just closed my eyes and sighed. I felt the departure of the icy wet fabric from my forehead; Richard took it to soak it again in that bowl but this time he didn’t place it back on my forehead; he ran it all over my face tenderly. It was such a soothing sensation to have icy cold smooth fabric running over my burning skin and cooling it down. Richard was so tender. I relaxed my head that was a little bit tense since I heard what Richard said about missing me. I rested my head back on the pillow and breathed in but I didn’t rest for long for as soon as I felt the fabric moving down towards my chin and finally touching my neck I shivered and opened my eyes; not because I didn’t want Richard to continue but because for a fraction of a second I imagined that it was Christopher like that day when he washed my hair and ran his fingers tenderly and sensationally on my neck. I wanted to cry; I felt like every single thing was reminding me of that person, I couldn’t get a break from him and I needed that break so very badly. It was weird what I felt; as if I had a vision, a live vision of those breathtaking moments that Christopher and I spent that day by the water stream just before we left Morton’s camp.

“Is something wrong?” Richard asked as soon as he noticed how tense I was

“No, no… I’m better now, thank you” I said hoping that he would let go of that piece of cloth but he didn’t; he drenched it in the water again and placed it on my forehead.

I breathed a little as I thought that Richard was leaving. I wanted to be alone; I wanted to cry and blame myself for still remembering Christopher in that beautiful romantic way. I was wrong; Richard wasn’t leaving; he was there to stay. Apparently he really missed spending time with me.

“Abigail, are you all right?” Richard asked looking into my eyes and I understood what he meant; he was asking me about the whole Christopher situation that I’ve been through. I felt honesty in his voice and saw it in his eyes; he was sincere. I couldn’t help myself; I started weeping. Somehow when I was asked in that sincere way I just felt as if rivers of suppressed stress has been unleashed. He held my hand immediately then stood up and came closer to me, he sat beside me on the bed, I moved a little to make space for him. I felt so very unpredictable; one moment a word that he said made me feel nervous and now not only that I was allowing him to join me in my bed and caress me tightly while I cry but I also wanted him to do so. He held me and placed me inside his arms, I didn’t mind although it hurt a little because every similar intimate hug or touch or word reminded me of Christopher and the feelings that I once felt for him but I just needed his warmth and care. It was different than when I was with my parents; I loved them, they loved me and we cared about each other and we were used to talking freely and openly about almost everything but this Christopher thing was different; it was just very intense and sensitive situation and I felt embarrassed to talk about it with them. I felt like this whole thing about Christopher was polluting my relationship with my own parents. I felt wicked and sinful. Plus some things couldn’t be told to them. I needed someone whom I can speak freely with and I found that person in Richard. I just felt that Richard will understand me more; he shared that trip with me and Christopher and he was just a friend, a great, unbiased, and not judgmental  friend and sometimes you can tell things to friends much easier than you can tell them to the closest people to you on earth; your parents. I felt that my parents couldn’t possibly grasp the intensity of the situation and the immensity of what I’ve been through.

I started to relax and allow myself to enjoy the sincerity of Richard’s support. I stopped crying and started talking to him.

“He’s been lying to me all along. I was his… martyr. I’ve been with the abductor of my parents; sharing my food with him, talking to him … caring for him. How can I ever forgive myself?”

“It’s not your fault Abigail, you didn’t know”

“I know, I know that but it’s just very painful to even think about the time, the very long time that I’ve spent with Christopher and was deceived by his… sweet and fake talks… I even fell… I can’t believe I felt the way I did”

A silent moment passed then Richard resumed the conversation

“I was very surprised when I heard what he did; it’s shocking I still can’t believe it”

“Yes I know but I believe it and believing it burns my inside. I wish I can go back in time and undo it all. I wish I can just forget everything, forget Christopher and…” I started crying again. I felt Richard’s arms tightening their grip on me.

“Don’t cry Abigail… I will not tell you that everything is going to be fine and that you’ll forget everything easily but I’ll tell you that I’m here and welling to help you and listen to you whenever you need to talk and get things off your chest” Richard said in his familiar and sincere voice.

“Thank you Richard” I whispered. The door suddenly opened and my mother walked in. She looked at us and immediately walked back saying “sorry”

“No please my lady. I was on my way out” Richard said gently and immediately helping me out of his arms he left the room while I stayed there to face and endure the awkward moment with my mother but I discovered that what my mother had in mind was much worse than finding Richard with me in my bed wrapping me inside his arms.

“Abigail … what happened back there?” my mother started. I understood her immediately but I couldn’t admit to it

“What do you mean mother?”

“You know what I mean”

“No I honestly don’t” I lied trying hard to deny what really happened and why I really fainted like that

“You looked at the window and then suddenly gasped as if you’ve seen a ghost and then you fell down so please tell me, I might be able to help you my child”

I took advantage of what my mother said and used it in making up a believable story.

“Yes, I remember now; I saw an eagle, a huge one; it suddenly appeared in front of my eyes and I felt like it was going to attack me” I stopped and looked deep in my mother’s eyes to see if my story had a chance of being believed and then I continued hesitantly “I freaked out and I’m just real tired mother that’s why I fainted. That huge bird just startled me and I…”

“Abigail you can’t continue being as… fragile as this… you have to toughen up sometime” I knew that my mother didn’t believe my bird story but I also knew that she is a great person and she wouldn’t want to put me under the spot and embarrass me; she would wait until I go to her and tell her things, real things.

“I know, I know mother and I will, it’s just that… I haven’t been sleeping well lately, you must understand… Richard was a great help; I’ll just…” I can’t believe I was actually using Richard now to get out of mother’s questions. What annoyed me at the beginning and was considered awkward was my escape and rescue now.

“Richard is really handsome and he seems to care much for you” my mother said with a smile on her face.

“He does and I care for him… mother I need to get some sleep if you don’t mind. We’ll talk later” I lied

“Oh yes sure; you go ahead and sleep as much as you can; you need it” my mother said, kissed me on the forehead and left and I was once again left alone to think and hate myself and sink into darkness.